October 21st, 2019

mocking me!

A quick post-Skate America note and a promise

I was pretty forthcoming about it on Twitter and then am cagey as hell in person, but I have major depressive disorder. It’s been for essentially my entire life and yet I met most of you when I was on a rare peak between huge valleys. It makes me feel dishonest, like I’ve conned good people into believing that I am a person I’m not. Back then I was healthier in every way, not to mention just having more energy that comes with being a decade younger.

It’s been particularly shitty for a while. A week ago, on Monday, I was on the phone with the suicide hotline and not for the first time. One of the things that got me through that very dark moment was the fact that SkAm was right around the corner. On Wednesday night when I saw Steph’s Instastory that he was in Las Vegas I latched onto it in a way that I’ve learned to grab onto any stupid thing I can find and turn into a reason to live.

I didn’t run into Steph this weekend and wasn’t really expecting to, but it reminded me of ATS:LA and how that weekend, over nine years ago, was legitimately the most fun I’ve ever had in my life. I’m honored and grateful to have shared it with some of you, and to have shared other times with those of us who weren’t there that weekend. Afterward, I remember a few of us were in a sort of malaise and I’m pretty sure it was Marni who commented that she was worried there would never be anything as magical ever again and that I responded that things totally could as long as we were all there.

And yet I almost made that an impossibility. So this is a contract with each and every one of you that I will still be here in nine more years. I promise. I don’t really want to think about being 45, but I just swear an oath that there will be a 45 and more besides that. I am doing okay right now and getting help. I hope you will all be here in nine years as well. Thank you for being someone who cares.