mocking me!

A quick post-Skate America note and a promise

I was pretty forthcoming about it on Twitter and then am cagey as hell in person, but I have major depressive disorder. It’s been for essentially my entire life and yet I met most of you when I was on a rare peak between huge valleys. It makes me feel dishonest, like I’ve conned good people into believing that I am a person I’m not. Back then I was healthier in every way, not to mention just having more energy that comes with being a decade younger.

It’s been particularly shitty for a while. A week ago, on Monday, I was on the phone with the suicide hotline and not for the first time. One of the things that got me through that very dark moment was the fact that SkAm was right around the corner. On Wednesday night when I saw Steph’s Instastory that he was in Las Vegas I latched onto it in a way that I’ve learned to grab onto any stupid thing I can find and turn into a reason to live.

I didn’t run into Steph this weekend and wasn’t really expecting to, but it reminded me of ATS:LA and how that weekend, over nine years ago, was legitimately the most fun I’ve ever had in my life. I’m honored and grateful to have shared it with some of you, and to have shared other times with those of us who weren’t there that weekend. Afterward, I remember a few of us were in a sort of malaise and I’m pretty sure it was Marni who commented that she was worried there would never be anything as magical ever again and that I responded that things totally could as long as we were all there.

And yet I almost made that an impossibility. So this is a contract with each and every one of you that I will still be here in nine more years. I promise. I don’t really want to think about being 45, but I just swear an oath that there will be a 45 and more besides that. I am doing okay right now and getting help. I hope you will all be here in nine years as well. Thank you for being someone who cares.
mocking me!

I Just Have a Lot of Feelings

Found an essay (two, actually, but I'll save the second one for a later post) I wrote last year for the figure skating DeCal. They'd asked us to say who our favorite skater was and why this was so. The first part was easy, the second was not. Also, please keep in mind that I whipped this out in about 45 minutes and that it was going to be read by a 20-year-old Architecture major who was giving A-pluses for merely turning a paper in. It is probably not a reflection of my best writing, not that I even have any idea what that looks like.

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mocking me!

A conversation less than 2 minutes old

Grandmere: What are you planning to do this evening?
Me: I'm going skating with a friend of mine.
Grandmere: Is it that handsome devil in my picture of you?
Me: Unfortunately, no. (Not that there's anything wrong with you, thedaytheystop)


Skated the earlier afternoon session. Practiced mainly waltz jumps, and I can either get height or distance, not both. I was planning on staying for the session after, but had to go pick something up. On my way out, I saw Laney, Janelle, and another girl whose name I don't know from the skating club. Laney is competing in a tournament on Halloween weekend.


Skating DeCal had another guest speaker. Jessica Gaynor, the VP of USFSA came in and gave a very educational and dry lecture of the judging system. She explained what the judges do versus what the technical panels do, and what they're looking for throughout the program and how each assign points.


Lesson with Tony. Practiced my back crossovers. I called them the bane of my existence because I was feeling especially dramatic. It's not that I can't do them, it's that I can't do them right.
mocking me!


I've been skating pretty often lately, but lagging on journal entries. In return, I shall include a bit about my skating DeCal class, since things there are beginning to pick up.


No skating, but went to figure skating DeCal and it was pretty interessant.

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Skated with Anna after a very busy day already. The FS Club said they were going to be there, but no one actually showed up. The faculty advisor was there, though, so I have someone who can vouch for me. Mellow, playful session. Anna tried teaching me to hydroblade, but I can’t get into the right shoot-the duck position yet. Workin’ on it.
mocking me!



Computer is back and really better than ever since I have shed the crap that is Windows Vista for Windows 7. Didn't even lose any data, either. Every morning, when I turn on my computer, I say “Good morning, Stephane!” since that was the name of our connection back at my former apartment and I was greeting it. Lately I've just been saying it to my desktop picture, which is us in the Marriott lobby, has been for nearly a year, and will be until another adorable picture of us can replace it. My grandma has this picture stuck in her mirror and as she is fond of telling me that every morning as she's doing her hair or something she'll look at it and think "Oh, it makes me so happy to see my beautiful granddaughter standing next to such a handsome young man!" My dad said it looks like I'm so happy and Steph's looking surprised because I'm grabbing his ass. In the full pic you can clearly see both of my hands, so either the picture is cropped or he's just doing it to bother me.

Skated the later midday session. Kinda nice and easy, since I hadn't been on the ice since last Tuesday. Went pretty well, although I've lost a bit of my spin edge. But I'm okay, since now I know I can do it. Since the kids have started back to school it was really quite deserted, which was awesome. Hope it stays like that forever. I worked on my waltz jump today since I've been remiss and may have gotten a little bit better at it. Saw a girl from the Cal figure skating club named Daisy. She hasn't skated since December and is a beginner, too. We determined that she is a clockwise spinner, though.


I worked on my 3-turns both ways. It was almost totally empty, save for 2 other people.


Basically made the whole day warm up for my lesson tomorrow. Really empty again, just me and a handful of other people again.


Lesson with Tony. Worked on spins more (still not great but I can still do the occasional 1-footed one) and jumps more. I really really really need to sit back on my blade more, because that makes my back outside edges... exist.
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mocking me!

Saw Evan

Have a few recent entries saved on my usual computer (which is fixed and now better than ever - goodbye and good riddance Windows Vista), but I hate lugging it to campus since we have no internet connection at my apartment, so I haven't uploaded them.

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